Thursday, 8 June 2017

Patched Heart

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Some of you must have wondered, where the heck was I gone to. No replies to messages, DM, inbox, whatsapp and not really replying to anyone's comments or whatsoever in a very long period of hiatus, the longest MIA I'd ever been in. And I seldom posted anything for weeks too. I wasn't dead ofc, I am still here, alive or else I wouldn't have posted anything online AT ALL.

During my hardest moment like few months back, even my closest friends belittled me and didn't understand what I was going through and only gave me the advises that would hurt me more rather than helping me. I understand that (maybe) they just wanted help me out but in order to heal and protect my own self I've decided to cut everyone off for the time being until I'm ready to return back to my usual self.

Now, I understand when one is hurt they seclude themselves from the world, no one will understand what it felt like coz emotions and feelings are subjective and cognitive, what others feel might not be the same at all although they are going through literally the same thing, yet they still said "you're not the only one who've been there" to me, that was why I just ignored everyone without an exception and brought myself in a distance away rather than listening where it could bring me much more of heartaches, I believe I'm a matured young adult, it's just contradicted to my character to take my resentment to ppl around me, and shrugging it off is my own best medicine to stray away from the drama I don't need, reason why you rarely see me talk about petty things here and there too nowadays, not worth of my time. Life is definitely finite, someone dearly told me that, what we have today might not last tomorrow.

Having said that, I've reflected towards lot of things while bringing myself away, I've began to see the faces of true friends, the ones who only being around to take advantage of what I have, and recently during my severe heartbreak period (where it was obvious) some friends decided to be bitchy (mostly girls, oh how rotten) by rubbing salt into my wound telling me stories which were unrelated that I didn't need to hear at all at the time with a clear intention to hurt me more. Living in the millennial that didn't left me surprised anymore with such inane acts and attitudes and so I've came out to keep my circle smaller, only to those I wanna be around with. I unfollowed massive amount of ppl on instagram because I just wanna be around those who endlessly give me inspirations and those I value as friends, anyways it doesn't really matter about this "follow you follow me back" culture esp if we are already friends in reality coz you already have me in real life (plus I don't mind that much about these stuff nowadays), I unfriended the same massive numbers of some people on my facebook too. Someone who inspired me told me about 3 types of ppl you always wanna avoid and never need, the manipulators (take advantage of what you have), the if it doesn't happened to me (I don't care) and the attention whores. I did that and I'm glad.

I was having a bewildered and confused mind and heart that I decided to drop everything and take a break. I had no idea that a very insensitive person like me could crumble so bad as it was. I woke up doing my things, attended lectures, enjoyed out with friends but it felt tremendously empty inside, like I had no idea why I was doing all of this. I felt like I was standing in this world alone, although there were walking figures around me. I felt so broken inside. There were times I suddenly trickled and broken down in tears at the thought of it and sometimes would cry for few days, stopped, felt okay, and did it again. I just didn't know why too.

To relate to the brokenness I felt, it had to do with all the bad things which were all accumulated to lash me out at the same time. My breakup, friends I treasured stabbed me, and palpably things I'm doing are not what I wanna pursue anymore, I gradually lost interest in it and still endeavoring of finding reasons to continue and not stopping just there, I just keep following the flow but not with the contented feelings, my mind shambled like a screen of broken TV every time I tried to figure it out and I still can't figure it out. I took a break to reflect on a lot of things, things I'm doing, my cracked relationship with both friendships and love. Everything. Like every single thing that I've done with good intentions has always went wrong. Have you ever felt this way? I locked up myself a lot in the past few weeks. Frankly, talk not about negativity but these were honestly how I really felt.

Back to my trip to Japan recently, tbvh I bought this trip to see someone as we promised, but things just swayed on the other direction and we kinda stopped talking, after knowing each other for a relatively long time. Forgetting about someone who totally got you was so painful, it's like you're falling down from a branch, if you grip and hold on more to it it'll becoming more painful, if you let it go you'll also end up in pain, except you're given a chance to stand up and walk again instead of being stuck on there in agony forever, this concludes that humans do have a choice. I wasn't being myself during that dimmed moment, there was one time I signed up for a dating site, regardless of society's negative perceptions about it like "it's only for desperate ppl", tbh I was not that desperate but I thought nothing was wrong with it if that's one of the best ways to forget and start anew again, I thought. And if that could help me to forget painful things faster ofc I would take it up for whatever it is. Nonetheless soon I realised, finding someone new wasn't what I really really wanted, I am just not into a relationship again. I just wanted to forget everything about him and using someone else to do it is just obnoxious, I came back to my senses. The pre-existed thought of mine was that my long awaited trip would be so futile but I pushed away all the harassing thoughts and still decided of going alone. Not really worried about being alone part to be frank coz I've always been an independent girl since I was little. But it sure felt awkwardly different going to the place with a different time zone all by just yourself.

Suffice to say, now I am kinda striving to focus on the important things first. Once I'm done with my bachelor I probably will try to work abroad. I don't know, but planning is a law of attraction my father said. My brother left for U.S for so many years already, another brother is now settling down in Japan so I am probably not gonna stay here forever too and I'm convinced that it's a better decision, so I'll give a try on that part. Bringing yourself away to fit in the new environment sounds like a good fresh start. I might be bogged down by a lot of things at the moment but I will post up some entries about my visit to Japan soon, and many other things as well if my time ever permits me, really miss writing on this personal space of mine leisurely like in the old days, no kidding but I'm quite busy and fully occupied everyday even on weekends.

I wasn't joking when I said I had to leave, but space was indeed all what I needed and asked for. Thank you for giving me the space I needed for my inner recovery. Now I am slowly recuperating and getting back to my activities, not gonna say I am totally healed like how you can format stuff on your lappy (I cried for the entirely 2 weeks at first without no one to comfort me) but at least all my distresses are alleviated and I feel a lot more better after taking a loooong time to be with just myself, and I'm embracing all the unsavory past as a life lesson to be able of letting go. Still adapting myself to every changes incurred from what I've been through recently, nevertheless all is good to let you know.

I'm willing to continue again from where I left. I once said that I didn't regret anything that ever happened to me in my life, I still do. I apologize for ignoring and abandoning you guys so coldly, everyone who endlessly trying to reach out to me, who can't stop being worried about me and keep texting me like "Are you ok Pinku?" "Pinku where have you been" "Are you fine?" and etc, I didn't really replied to most comments or PMs on purpose, I read them all but I was having my own space and I didn't really felt like interacting much with everyone and worst now it's becoming a habit (it was always a habbit anw) after all, "ignored doesn't mean forgotten".

It's been really a while, time to kick off for my delayed projects. Thank you for reading this far. Regardless of how different you may see me in the future, I am still the same timid and innocent me to the very core that you ever knew. You're born as you and you'll forever be you, that's what I've always been told and I do believe in that.

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